The Curator: when did witches and vampires get so sexy

the evolution from bald children eaters & murdering colonists to witchy smut & sparkly vampire marriages

How often do you think to yourself, I’d really love to read about some sexy vampires or witches falling in love right now?

I mean, I’ve never thought that, but have I read many sexy vampire novels or steamy witch romances? You bet your virgin neck I have.

It starts with Roald Dahl. I’m somewhere in the age range of jam hands to Polly Pocket lover. I read his madcap story and watch the film¹, both about a gang of witches cosplaying a woman’s convention, finally free to take off their wigs and make plans to turn children into mice. Because what is more god-awful than a bald woman in evening wear who hates kids?

Roald Dahl’s The Witches (1990)

Most of my real understanding of the history of witches and witchcraft comes from public school American history lessons on the Salem witch trials. Again, not a sexy time for women! Those accused of witchcraft were put to death by their Puritan peers, often in grotesque or cruel ways based on hearsay and eyewitness testimony, which we all know from watching loads of Law & Order is not a reliable way to convict a criminal.

In The Penguin Book of Witches, editor Katherine Howe says, “Histories of witchcraft have often revealed more about the time in which the historian was writing than about witchcraft itself,”² meaning the way we think about witches and their function in society is ever-evolving based on current cultural standards. In Puritan societies, witchcraft wasn’t an abstract concept; it was a real threat like guns or lying cheating white men in power. Spooky!

Vampires also didn’t start as a slick, ageless version of a male Barbie. Take Nosferatu. If this handsome devil crawled into my bed, I might burn the house down.

Somehow, culturally, we went from burning women at the stake to writing cozy romantic novels about women who can cast spells but can’t see to keep a man, from Mr Eyebrows getting handsy with your daughter to Mr Sparkly Skin impregnating a willing live human.

And you know who I blame?

the slutty legacy of Anne Rice

That’s right, Anne Rice. She is the pinnacle of vampire lore and legacy family witch stories, the apex mountain of monsters we wouldn’t kick out of bed, the zenith of considering eternal life in exchange for your soul. Not because she is the best to ever do it, but because she was the first to do it in a seductive, modern way. I read Carmilla by J. Sheridan La Fanu this week, and while it’s heralded as the first sapphic vampire story, the spice level was maybe a two out of ten. Carmilla gets pretty handsy and kissy face, but I didn’t see any under-the-skirt action (or did I miss the innuendo? I wouldn’t be surprised).

Like many millennial readers, I caught on to Anne Rice when I aged out of R.L. Stine. A companion to King, Rice wrote seductively about once-evil beings, creating fully realized characters with histories, desires, and existential crises.

I read The Witching Hour series sometime as a teen or young adult (and then again, and again). I have perhaps read the entire three-part series at least three times through. It’s about the Mayfairs, thirteen generations of a New Orleans family haunted by the specter of a man (demon, ghost, who knows) who manipulates the bloodline to breed a superhuman capable of bringing forth his deepest desires. Reading it now, I have a lot of qualms (cringey sex scenes, overly casual synchronicity of events for plot movement, the hyper-sexualized nature of everyone in this damn family). The TV adaptation of The Mayfair Witches was hard to watch - very slow-paced and poorly written for this visual medium.

I haven’t reread Interview with the Vampire for fear of having my illusions similarly shattered. Written as a way to deal with the grief of losing her five-year-old daughter to cancer, from what I remember, it’s the most poignant, deep, and existential of her stories. The best part of this entire series is the historical context Rice creates as backstory for how vampires came to be, originating from two siblings in ancient Egypt. And the movies!! Who will ever forget Aaliyah as Akasha, The Queen of the Damned?

Regardless of my qualms, Rice’s cultural impact on witch and vampire fantasy is wide-reaching and undeniable. This bad B sold over 150 MILLION copies of her work, all in a time pre-socials. Without Rice, we might not have the Twilight series or any of the witchy romances that proliferate lists this time of year.

I have so many thoughts on how witches are portrayed in modern media, but I will save that for another day. While I may not necessarily recommend reading Rice now if you haven’t in the past, I do have some other witchy and vampy recs for you if that floats your coffin.

recs for your reading and watching pleasure

witches 🧙‍♀️

• Lolly Willowes by Sylvia Townsend Warner - this one is for the classic readers who aren’t usually into fantasy. Written in 1926 as the first ever Book of the Month Club selection, it’s a slow-paced interiority story of a spinster woman looking for her place in the world and finding it in a rural community of witches.

• The Practical Magic Series, both the movies and the books by Alice Hoffman and Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen - both are soothing, sweet stories of family and love. Nothing really bad ever happens, and the witchcraft is mildly earthy rather than sinister. I wrote reviews of them both here.

• Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke - one for the lit fic readers who want to try epic fantasy, it’s the story of how magic was returned to 19th century England by two self-absorbed magician scholars. Dense, hilarious, and one of the most unique reading experiences you will ever have.

vampires 🧛‍♀️

• Carmilla by J. Sheridan La Fanu - what a delight! This novella was exciting and strange and felt like discovering the origin story of a beloved character. There is so much tension, both gothically dramatic and a bit sexual. I honestly could have read a couple hundred more pages of this story - somebody needs to get on that stat!

• Salem’s Lot by Stephen King - although King is getting his own week, I cannot provide a list of vampire novels and not include this prime example of a non-sexy vampire story. As you would expect, this is a full-on horror story about a small town tormented by an ancient vampire disguised as an Austrian immigrant with an antique store. Genius.

• The Southern Book Club’s Guide to Slaying Vampires by Grady Hendrix - a campy horror romp through suburbia, it’s blurbed as “Fried Green Tomatoes and Steel Magnolias meet Dracula,” and I couldn’t say it any better. When a mysterious man moves in next door to bored housewife Patricia, her book club is forced to face this supernatural evil alongside the racism and misogyny they are already facing. The gaslighting is STRONG in this one so be prepared (and it’s also very gross).

• The Passage by Justin Cronin - one of my most favorite horror/sci-fi/dystopian/post-apocalyptic series of all time. When an unnamed disease that seems to cure all other illnesses is discovered in the South American jungle, a bunch of genius scientists bring it back to the US to study, inadvertently creating superhuman vampire-like beings that seek to destroy any living thing in their path. The story follows the aftermath of this study, the breakdown of civilization, and what it takes to rebuild. Truly one of the most immersive experiences I have ever had.

films and TV

I love every single movie on this list. Spooky, funny, weird, nostalgic, campy, dramatic, dark, gothic. This list has it all!

• The Love Witch

• Teen Witch

• The Witch

• Brand New Cherry Flavor

• The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina

• The Craft

• Dark Shadows

• Interview with the Vampire

And lastly, a selection on my vampire TBR: The Historian, Dracula, and Woman Eating, and on my witchy TBR: Spells for Forgetting, The Witches of Eastwick, The Once and Future Witches, and The Witches of New York.

Any recs you would add to this list??

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reading 📖→

• It’s a secret!!!! ok, but really, I have a bunch of novels I am vetting for the last few weeks of spooky season, and I don’t want to give it all away. Taking The Historian and a few other ones on my vacation (starting now as you read this) but it’s a road trip so probably won’t get much reading done.

consuming📽️🎧→

• Marcus put on The Sixth Sense and then promptly fell asleep, leaving me to sob violently through the entire last half of the film all alone. Haley Joel Osment’s little face and tiny whispery voice are heartbreaking, and when Toni Collette cries over the story of her mother watching her dance, I seriously lost it. It is amazing how your perception changes as you age - all I want to do is hold these characters and heal their inner children.

book news and restacks📰→

• The National Book Award Foundation announced the finalists for this year’s award. I am telling you now James might take it all!!

• NYT’s The Morning profiled Sally Rooney’s literary stardom and… this is weird right? I thought this only happened for Harry Potter type books. But truly good for reading and books.

• you MUST read

  mary wallace
  ‘s analysis of the Good for Her cinematic universe (Subtack)

and cats 🐈‍⬛→

caught you

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let’s chat 👻→

• What is the weirdest thing you read as a kid?

• Do you read or watch anything witch- or vampire-related, or are you too cool?

• What are you reading currently, and is it any good?

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in case you missed it 🖤

The Curator: moody mysteries of the campus novel

The Curator: gothic tales of hauntings and lovers

the [in]sanity of The Haunting of Hill House

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See you around the bookshelf!

1.

2. Howe, Katherine, editor. The Penguin Book of Witches. Penguin Random House, 2014.